Divorce is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. When you take your vows, you see a bright future and a life together. But for40 to 50 percentof couples in the United States something changes along the way and the marriage falls apart. Perhaps this is unavoidable for those who got married for the wrong reasons or just have disagreements, but what if there was something some of these couples could have done to save their relationship?
It can be much easier to see in hindsight, but many people regret the mistakes they made in marriage. Read on to find out what seven divorced people wish they had done differently.
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You've learned to communicate more effectively.
"Effective communication is the foundation and key to a hassle-free relationship."Marcos Josef,Founder of Relationship BlogParentalqueries.com, saidbetter life. "It allows the couple to express their thoughts and feelings clearly and meaningfully... and helps to promote understanding, kindness and respect, which are essential for a healthy and long-lasting relationship." When both people don't share their thoughts and feelings, it can lead to a loss of trust and understanding [which] can make conflict resolution difficult."
You may think that you and your partner know how to communicate naturally. But really listening to what someone else needs, as well as communicating your own needs clearly and sensibly, is a lot harder than you think – and not being able to do it can lead to it.the end of a relationship.
That's what happened to TikToker @keepinfitwithkatie2.0, who believes their marriage ended due to lack of communication. In a post on TikTok, she said that she wishes she and her exit was another couples counseling sessionto learn better communication tools before leaving.
"We weren't good communicators and we weren't good when we fought either," she said. "We only went to marriage counseling twice, which I found frustrating because I didn't get a good chance to fix what I needed to fix, because there were definitely things I did wrong."
Marissa Backeralso regretted not getting TikTok therapy sooner — wishing she'd popped in for her partner more often, too. She emphasizes that she "would have done everything differently at her wedding" in a TikTok video. Her caption read: "I would have appeared. I would be present. I would go to therapy early. I would show up to my partner and show gratitude for everything he did."
Feeling desired and loved is something everyone needs in a relationship, but unfortunately some partners don't always give each other the attention and care they deserve.
“When your spouse feels like they are last in line to get your attention, resentment builds and kills any chance of intimacy,” he says.Monika Tanner, relationship expert and CEO ofSecrets of Happiness Forever.
Didn't try to be right all the time.
In a TikTok video titled How I Messed Up My Marriage, Marriage CoachJennifer Hürvitzsays that one of the things she wished she had done differently wasalways try to be right.
"Try to get your partner's point of view," she said. “Instead of trying to be right all the time, listen and understand each other. If you're wondering who's right, you lose. If you're worried about winning, you've lost.”
This type of behavior can leada huge wedge between the partners. "If you try to always be the person who is right, you don't allow there to be a different point of view or a different perspective."Fiona Eckerley, relationship coach atfionaeckersleycoachingsaidbetter life. “When you reject your partner's opinions or ideas, they feel unworthy. This creates an uneven balance, and ultimately, the person who feels like they need to doubt themselves is less likely to be intimate or share anything about themselves.”
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Avoid constant criticism.
Blaming your spouse for your own unhappiness or problems is a quick way to build resentment and negativity in a relationship. The last thing you want to do is project your own issues or insecurities onto your partner.
In her TikTok video, Hurvitz also says that guilt was one of the other things that led to the downfall of her marriage. "I wish I had focused on what I did wrong, not my partner at the time. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Does it matter who left the towel on the floor? No, don't let the towel ruin your whole marriage."
He understood the power of love languages.
In a TikTok videoLucy Cereztalks about why she and her ex got divorced and points it outknowing your partners love the languagecould have helped.
"My love language is acts of service and I didn't know that, but looking back, his love language was giving," she said. "There was a big break up because I expected him to do things for me and when he didn't I thought he didn't love me."
Communicating your needs effectively is something you should enjoy doing with your partner, and knowing each other's love language can be a tool to help each other feel needed in the relationship and also cared for.
Appreciated the other partner's hard work.
It's important to appreciate the role and work your partner puts into the relationship, whether it's picking up the kids from school or commuting to the office each day. He says so in a TikTok video posted by @honestappraisalhe developed a lack of respectfor the role played by his wife. He always told his wife that it was "much easier to stay at home than to go to work". Looking back, he says he did not appreciate his wife and her contribution to the family and is embarrassed to miss her.
"Appreciation helps our partner feel that we appreciate the way they work and contribute to our life together," he says.Sarah Oliveri Dialect, a relationship expert and coach. "Without appreciation, our partner will not only feel like we're not appreciating their contributions, it's likely we aren't! It's easy to overestimate our own work and underestimate the other person's."
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Commitment taken more seriously.
In another TikTok video posted by @honestappraisal, he says that while his marriage lasted 28 years, it's the beginning of marriagehow it started to break.
“At the very beginning, I didn't understand the nature of the bond in marriage. At 26, I was not only young, but also naive. I had no idea what marriage or commitment was. I'm talking about a long-term commitment to a romantic partner."
When making a commitment to someone, it is important that you are at a stage in your life where you can see the true value of marriage, as well as the seriousness of the vows you are taking.